6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
