So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
