Don't make out with my wife yet
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
