my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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