I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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