I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my poor anus
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
