I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
