I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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