my mouth tastes like poor choices
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
