It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
