I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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