she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
