im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
