i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
