dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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