barbara walters just said penis...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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