I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize