I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
