I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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