So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize