I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
