Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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