Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
