On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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