I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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