I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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