I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
