There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
