WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
