Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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