I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
