we're chasing vodka with high fives
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
