Tell her she can't have a vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
