I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
