Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
