Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
