I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
