conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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