im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
