we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
