OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she woke up with a sticky ear
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
