I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
