We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
as a side note pls kill me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
