he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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