I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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