it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
