My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
