i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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