Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My ass is underappreciated
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
