I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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