forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
