can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
