Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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