i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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