I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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